Fellow Members of the Colbert Nation:
As you know, our beloved Steven has bravely set aside his own humility and deep desire for privacy and time with his family to serve Our Great Nation and run for President. I, as I'm sure all the rest of you did, felt a tremendous thrill when Colbert announced his candidacy. Only to suffer the agonizing, gut-wrenching anguish of hearing him announce that he would limit his candidacy to South Carolina.
Why? Why Steven, do you deny us! How can you deny the rest of Colbert Nation the thrill, the ecstasy, the utter ejaculation of joy, of climbing into a curtained stall, thinking of you, and pulling our lever (over, and over and over)! Do the Red Sox limit their adoration and merchandising to members of "Red Sox Nation" that happen to live in Boston -- and possibly Pawtucket? Of course not. And just as the Boston Red Sox are proud to represent (but not name) all the lesser states of New England that have even their two letter postal codes written in the Atlantic Ocean because they won't fit in those little squares, you, Steven Colbert -- the hovering Eagle of Truthiness that guards our nation from above against the threat of Al Qeda, illegal immigrants, and Hilary Clinton -- should represent all of us as well.
So, in the tradition of citizen campaigns such as "Draft General Clark", "Draft Fred Thompson," and "Please Make Mike Gravel Go Back to Alaska," I am asking all my fellow Marylanders to join me in an "Adopt Steven Colbert" Campaign. Because while Steven may be the "Favorite Son" of South Carolina, there is no reason why we in Maryland cannot adopt Colbert as our own "Favorite Adopted Son" Candidate.
Think about it, Maryland! The last "son of Maryland" to run for national office was Spiro Agnew. I think we've atoned for that long enough, don't you? Wouldn't you rather say the last candidate for national office was favorite "adopted son" Steven Colbert? I know I would. Besides, given how late the Maryland primary is in the campaign cycle, the race will probably be over anyway. So there's no pressure!
And Steven fits so well with the traditions of our state. First of all, he's a Catholic. Second, he thinks gambling is a fiscally responsible way to make money and close our budget deficit. And I am sure he would resolve the crisis with Prince George's County Hospital in the same way our Governor, General Assembly, and County Government have -- by blaming everybody else and expecting poor people with no insurance to treat themselves.
So please, repost this petition and help me campaign to get Colbert to campaign in Maryland as our "favorite adopted son" candidate. I, and all other true American heroes, will thank you for it. Because if we can't get Colbert on the ballot in Maryland, we'll be stuck with the current crop of losers.
Marylanders to Adopt Steven Colbert Our Truthinator in Chief (MASCOT)