osewalrus (osewalrus) wrote,

King Kong v. Iron Chef Godzilla

I'm having a problem because after we came back from Kong, we decided to watch a little Iron Chef to settle for bed (Iron Chef is pretty standard mindless TV to unwind). Unfortunately, this has planted a bad seed in my mind for Iron Chef: King Kong v. Godzilla. I keep seeing something like this.

Kaga: If my memory serves me right, we have never had a giant ape to challege an Iron Chef. So when I heard of one whose cuisine was now the talk of New York, I knew I must have him on the show.
[Clip of Kong stomping through NYC).
Kaga: I prevailed on Iron Chef Morimoto to make the arrangements. [Kong suddenly finds a big pile of Bannana Sushi with wasabi-chloroform sauce. He starts chowing down, then gets sleepy and falls into the pile of banannas.]
Kaga: Allow me to introduce our challenger, King Kong! Kong started his apprenticeship on Skull Island, where his innovative use of dinosaurs and giant slugs in traditional Polynesian Cuisine won him many tributes from the locals.
[Cut to dancing Skull Island primitves chanting "Kong! Kong!"]
Old Crone: His dishes really speak to the inner qualities of Polynesion-Monster fusion. His experiments with raw food -- from Tyranosaur sashimi to invertabrate squishies, has attracted visitors from Forbidden Island, Monster Island, and the Island of Doctor Moreau. I can't wait to see what he does to your show. [Evil cackle]
Kaga: A giant Ape, and master of raw food. We must bring him here!
[Visual of unconscious Kong being loaded on a steamer ship]
Kaga voice over: So come Chef Kong. Show us your Island mastery. Though you can snap steel chains, it remains to be seen if you can beat my iron chefs!
Kong: Beats chest and howls.

(and it just keeps getting sillier)

[Kicthen Stadium]
Usual framing shot, we see Fuki, Bimbo Du Jour, and Hatori sitting behind special plate glass.
Fuki: Well, we certainly have an exciting match for us here tonight folks. An Island Chef, an expert on Raw Cusine, who answers the age old question "Where does the 800 Ton Gorrilla cook?" Well tonight, he cooks in Kitchen Stadium. And I hear he's also known as a ladies man as well, which should please or guest tonight, an actress you've never heard of.
BDJ: Pleasure to be here. I've been working on my screams for a week. [Giggle]
Fuki: And of course, our commentator, Doctor Yukio Hatori.
Hatori: Always a pleasure.
Fuki: And now, here comes Chairman Kaga.
Kaga: [Dressed in sequine safari suit, sort of what would happen if Liberace had shopped at Bananna Republic] Tonight is a special occassion for two reasons. It is the first time we have a giant ape and raw cook as a challenger. And second [evil grin], well, you will just have to wait and see. But first, lets bring on the challenger, King Kong.
[Kong enters, beeting chest and braying]
Fuki: Kong enters, the first guest ever to walk down the famed red carpet of Kitchen Stadium on his knuckles.
Kaga: [bowing] Welcome to Kitchen Stadium. Sorry about the Chloroform.
Kaga: Do you think you are ready for the challenge of my Iron Chefs?
Kong: Ooooo oooo ooo [beats chest, snarls].
Kaga: And now, it is time to unveil the second surprise. Tonight, I introduce a new Iron Chef. An expert in Monster Cuisine whose name and breath made Japanese cooking famous around the world. I summon IRON CHEF MONSTER!!!!
[Dramatic Background Music]
Fuki: And now, ascending into Kitchen Stadium, a new Iron Chef. Iron Chef Monster. Oh my God! I can't believe it! It's Godzilla!
[Godzilla slowly ascends up the elevator. A big picture of Godzilla wearing a funny chefs hat and posing eating a tank is behind him.]
Fuki: Godzilla! A legend and word of fear in Tokyo Cuisine, Godzilla specialized in barebcuing things with his terrible radioactive breath. He retired during the Seventies,and a recent comeback attempt in the United States failed. Now he comes back here in Kitchen Stadium to take on King Kong. Can he do it? Does he still have what it takes? Or will the Challenger's Polynesian Raw Cuisine send him back to Monster Island? The heat will be on!
[Godzilla and Kong cooly eye each other]
Kaga: For a monster battle like this, we need a monster ingredient. Hmmmm....Monster ingredient. That got me thinking....Something monstrous, yet subtly sweet, whether raw or cooked. And something neither one, living on an Island, would ever see. So now, we unveil, the ingredient!
[Dramatic music. A giant pile of sand is in the middle of the kitchen. Huge worms writhe within.] Sand Worms!
Fuki: Wow! Sandworms from Arakis. Those must have cost a fortune. And killing them won't be easy. This is shaping up to be a huge match.
Kaga: Allez Cuisine!

Fuki: Bang a gong, we are on, the Sandworm battle is starting.
Ohta: Fuki-san?
Fuki: From Ohta, our floor commentator. Go!
Ohta: When the Chairman unveiled Sandworms I saw Kong grunt in alarm. Clearly he was hoping for a different theme ingredient.
Fuki: So the challenger nervous about sandworms. Do you think that gives the Iron Chef the edge, Doc?
Hatori: Well, Godzilla does have more experience dealing with alen life forms, but Kong's opposable thumbs will let him use the actual cookware of Kitchen Stadium, so things may even out.
BDJ: Isn't that one of the sandworms eating Godzilla's sou chefs?
Ohta: Fuki-san? BDJ is right. One of the sandworms just ate Godzilla's sou chefs as they were preparing a mix of kimchee, truffle oil, and gorgonzola cheese. Godzilla was clearly very annoyed and has vowed vengance. Back to you.
Fuki: Doc what can you tell us about sandworms?
Hatori: Well, sandworms come from the desert planet of Arakis, where the natives usually drown them, producing an extract called "Water of life." In it's raw form it's poisonous, but if treated properly it gives you visions.
BDJ: Kind of like blowfish?
Hatori: There are some similarities. Since it's usually prepared raw, that gives the challenger and edge.
Kong roars
Ohta: Fuki-san. Kong defies Godzilla to do his worst. He says kimchee will destroy the delicate taste of sandworm, which is best appreciated raw.
Hatori: Well, Kong does have a point. Sandworms come naturally flavored with melange, a spice indigenous to Arakis. It gives sandworm a strong flavor of cinammon. It's also highly addictive and produces visions of the future, so a lot of chefs prefer to avoid it.
Fuki: So the Iron Chef taking a more traditional approach of eliminating the toxic substance, while the challenger embracing it as part of his Island raw cuisine. Perhaps a little Rastafarian or cargo cult influence?
Hatori: Could be. We'll just have to see if the tasters appreciate it.
BDJ: Why is the Iron Chef pulling out the teeth of the sandworm?
Hatori: Well, the natives of Arakis use the teeth to make a traditional weapon called a "chrysknife," which is capable of penetrating nearly any armor. I expect the Iron Chef will use the chrysknife to cut the sandworm, which is usually pretty tough.
Fuki: So the Iron Chef really emphasizing the traditional approach this time.
[Godzilla unleashes fire breath on a sandworm, BDJ screams]
Fuki: Whoa! Godzilla using his trademark radioactive breath to counter the challenger's emphasis on raw cuisine.
Ohta: Fuki-san?
Fuki: Go Ohta!
Ohta: I asked Godzilla-san about Kong's remarks that cooking destroys the sweetness of the flesh, and he responded by eating one of my camera men. I'd say he's looking pretty confident.
Fuki: Alright, a confident Iron Chef, relying on traditional techniques and his own unique radioactive breath. Meanwhile, the Challenger appears to be plating his dishes by tearing the sandworm into chuncks and howling. It's hard to tell, though, because the debris flying everywhere and the gore and guts on the protective glass is obscuring our vision. Also, we're running out of camermen.
Hatori: Kong's revolutionary plating techniques have earned him a lot of fans among the young Polynesians, particularl the neveaux cannibal head hunters.
Ohta: Fuki-san?
Fuki: Go ahead Ohta.
Ohta: Unfortunately, Kong has destroyed a good deal of the kitchen stadium subduing his sandowrm. He and Godzilla have both stoped cooking and are battling each other.
Fuki: That's gonna cost them. The monster battle only has 20 minutes left.

[At this point, Becky wakes me up with a sharp elbow and an injunction to "stop giggling" in my sleep.]

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