osewalrus (osewalrus) wrote,

I Hear News No One else Can Hear

See, this is what I see when I watch cable talk shows.

Vacuous Hostcritter: Hello, I'm pretending this is news when it's just people spouting off in predictable ways because our network realized that is much cheaper than investing money in actual reporting. I have a Republican pundit and a Democratic pundit here to blather in highly predictable ways about the election results.

Republican pundit: How is it possible to see an election where Obama's party gains another seat in the House of Representatives as anything less than a stunning rebuke of Obamacare and the entire Democratic Congress? I will repeat this much louder, with some pejoratives about anyone who could possibly disagree with this analysis.

Democratic pundit: Because I'm a Democrat, I am a totally insecure wussy who secretly believes you're right even though I can't explain why. So I will absolutely say nothing about how voters in a district Democrats could not win when the anti-Republican wave crested in '08 rejected the "Death Panel" candidate in favor of "Mr. Milquetoast I will support the Obama agenda." Instead, I'll say that the lose of two governor races where the winning candidates avoided the Republican brand like the plague doesn't really show anything about Obama. But I'll say it in such a way that everyone watching will know I don't really believe it.

VHC: Smelling blood, I will ask the DP a leading question framed in the way that shows the RP obviously has a point.

DP: Being a wuss with major insecurities, I will try to make a point about how the Republican who won with the biggest margin actually sent around a flyer saying the Sarah Palin robocalls were not associated with my campaign --

RP: What a steaming and wretched pile of feces! Everyone can see how the fact that Conservatives cost their party another seat in a district Rs have held for more than 130 years means that in 2010 districts like this will vote in droves for the type of candidate this district just rejected.

VHC: That makes sense. DP, is there anything Democrats can do to stop this overwhelming tide of dissatisfaction expressed by voting for Democrats instead of Republicans.

RP: I will loudly interrupt to say that the only thing that could save Democrats is for them to reject the policies that got them elected and embrace the policies that a traditionally Republican district just rejected.

DP: Because I am such an insecure wuss, I will get even more defensive and twisty in my body language and say that maybe Democrats should back away from everything our constituents keep saying they want in polls and in letters and start to crawl back to the conservatives who will never vote for us.

VHC: RP, would some grovelling and retreat from core principles be enough to stave off another terrible election with winning more seats in Congress.

RP: As if! Nothing can save the Democrats from winning even more seats in 2010 unless they do as exactly as I say!

DP: (breaking down completely) It's true! (sob) We're done for!


DP: (Dropping to knees and trembling) Oh mercy, master! Mercy! I am a miserable worm! I promise to stop doing the things that keep winning us House seats so that our supporters stay home in disgust in 2010! Just please stop saying everything with such arrogant certainty in your voice! (sobs hysterically and begins kissing RP's toes) mercy . . . . mercy . . . .

RP: Wuss.

VHC: We'll be back after this.

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