osewalrus (osewalrus) wrote,

Lessons Learned from the election: voters hate net neutrality, underwear. Like Zombies, Reptiles.

It is a fine election tradition to get politicians to pander to you, usually by asking them to sign a "pledge" to do or not do something your group wants. Traditional examples include: NRA (promise to make it legal to carry automatic weapons into emergency rooms and maternity wards), Grover Norquist's Americans for Tax Reform (spit whenever you mention government), and the Boy Scouts of America (Do my duty to God and my country, obey the Scout law, no poufdas). So no surprise that when a pro-net neutrality group came around with its pro-network neutrality pledge last week 95 Democratic candidates signed it. After all, you probably support it any way and it may help get out a few more voters.

Unsurprisingly, these 95 Democratic challengers lost. Shocking! Who would imagine that in a Republican wave year, 95 Democratic candidates in Republican leaning states and districts would lose? Damn! And Conway was sooooo winning until he signed that damn network neutrality pledge. Boy, is he kicking himself about that one. If only he had decided to run the "Aqua Budda" ad instead of sign the network neutrality pledge, he would absolutely be the new Senator for KY now.

Also unsurprising, NN opponents are explaining how the defeat of these 95 Democratic challengers proves -- proves I say! -- that the public hates network neutrality. We will ignore the fact that every single incumbent Democrat running for reelection in the House who signed the Inslee letter supporting network neutrality won, while fully one third of the Quisling Dems who signed the anti-NN letter lost. Perhaps also unsurprising, but somewhat more disappointing, is how the trade press have rather uncritically picked up the claim.

Which leads me to my new fun game: what other correlations can we draw from this to show what the voters have categorically rejected in this election.

Well, all 95 Democratic challengers wore underwear. Clearly, voters are not happy with this and want change. Ditch those tidy whities and find yourselves some Man Pants and/or panties.

All 95 Democratic challengers had body temperatures of approximately 98 degrees, and none of them ate brains! Clearly, the public prefers zombies. Next time, Democrats should run Jonathan Coulton. And if you want to tell me "Oh, Republicans had warm blooded candidates too," I will point to John Boehner's tan as proof that he spends at least 18 hours a day basking in the Sun. So while voters reject network neutrality, they love reptiles.

What other fun conclusions can we draw from this election, which will amazingly correspond to what I personally believe?

Fun times ahead.

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